Last evening I went to go see the new Conan the Barbarian movie. It was my first experience with the new 3d technology that has been becoming more and more saturated in just about everything. 3d is decent, but it gave me a small headache, and I think that it takes one out of the film, since it's trying to impress you by having things on the screen pretend to have depth. But anyway, time to start my first real movie review, which is about one of the most iconic sword and sorcery characters ever!
Before we start on the movie, let us consider the character of Conan. Contrary to movies, his people were not killed by a raiding run, he just got the wanderlust to go see the world, and took off from the rough lands of Cimmeria. The only real skills he had was the capacity to stalk and kill anyone that got in his way, and he turned that into a career. Being a mercenary, warlord, rogue, pirate, and, like in The Phoenix on the Sword, a king. The character is everything, in my opinion, that youthful men want to be, especially in a game like D&D. There are so many places and people that he encounters, and while he picks up on civilization's rules, he still has a core of barbarian principles. The foremost of which is: don't insult a man unless you want him to attempt to kill you. The man is pure adventurer, and let's see how the movie went.
The film begins with some back story concerning an ancient necromantic artifact that held the power of some ancient horror long before humanity crawled from the oceans. The wielder of this mask enslaved the people of the lower country, and eventually the barbarians of the north banded together, killed the sorcerer, and broke the mask into several pieces to be hidden so that such a horror could not be visited on the world again. This set up is not bad, given that Stygian wizards were generally the bastards that summoned evil terrors to do their bidding in the story, and ancient items of Power are also part of the mythology. Why the barbarians didn't just...I don't know, toss the damn mask in a volcano, or simply throw the pieces in the sea. Having an INT of 10 didn't help them there.
This movie then moves on to Conan's birth, which is something I was not expecting in this movie. I can only assume the village was under attack, and Conan's mom fought against the invaders, and takes a stomach wound. Conan's father, as played by RON FUCKMOTHERING PEARLMAN has to cut the child out in the Cimmerian version of a C-section as his mother dies. I gotta admit that putting this small scene in was pretty awesome for the movie, given that Conan's birth during a battle was referred to a few times in the stories. We are then treated to a scene later when he is a young boy. There is a competition going on where the boys of the village that want to fight must run a large lap around the hills with an egg in their mouth. To "win," the egg must remain unbroken, and you have to fight off the other little bastards that want to win. The movement of these boys, and especially Conan, is nice to watch, since it will help later with what Howard described as Conan's feline grace when moving. So, eventually some enemy scouts catch up withe boys, and on reflection I wonder if they were supposed to be the Picts. The other boys turn back, but Conan fucking guns forward, and proceeds to take out all four, decapitate them, then take the heads back to the village to show his father, and then spit out the egg that never broke.
Pretty cool scene, but little Conan was apparently told that he still lost the race, and has to content himself with practicing surprisingly sophisticated Cimmerian kata shortly thereafter. I'll comment on Conan's swordplay later, it's something specific I want to address when he's an adult.
So, at this point in the movie little Conan is nothing but a little fireball, and Daddy Pearlman wants to teach him...the mystery of steel. Everyone will remember this from the first movie, which they called the riddle of steel. I still have no idea what the hell that meant, other than iron and carbon together is badass. What we get is a rather nice scene of Pearlman advising Conan on tempering himself, and uses the blacksmithing analogy of "fire and ice must go together to make a proper sword that will not fail you." That's actually one of the "cool" things things about Conan- the man can switch from fire to ice to both in mere moments.
But, since this is a fantasy film, someone's village is going to get razed.
Some southern lord comes looking for the last piece of that headdress from earlier, and captures Ron Pearlman. Little Conan finds the smithy where they're holding him, and, like a boss, waits but a few seconds before hopping in there, hacking off a man's nose, and giving a scar to the main villain. But, he gets caught, and the lord's freaky-ass weird daughter, who can somehow sense the necromantic helm's bit's presence, finds it beneath the floorboards of the smithy. See, I thought it was going to actually be IN the forge, under the furnace. In barbarian fashion, Ron told the villain to go fuck himself, and gets set up with one of the most painful Bond Villain-like deaths I've seen. His hands are chained to a pail used for pouring hot iron into the forge, suspended above his head. Then his legs get cut. There is another chain on the other side of the pail, and little Conan escapes the villain to hold the other end while his father slowly gives out. The smithy and forge then gets torched while the villain leaves. When Ron Pearlman decides to pull the liquid iron onto himself for Conan's sake is surprisingly heart-wrenching. The man's acting combined a father and chieftain quite well, and it makes Conan's desire for revenge more heartfelt to the audience.
Now we transition to Big Conan, whom we are told has done some of his thieving, reaving, and pirating, and has companions that he adventures with. Also, he likes to fuck with slave traders and raid their caravans to free them. At least it's something I could see Conan do. So, we get our first look at Conan's movements and swordplay in the film. I personally find his swordplay a bit too fancy, but you believe that the man is a professional killer, and his movements are light enough that I can also believe that Jason Momoa pulls of Howard's description of Conan well. After freeing the slaves and getting plenty of titties in the face, Conan and his buddy, whose name I forget, dude looks Stygian, go to get drunk and have fun with the ladies they saved. Here we are treated to Conan's boisterous drinking, as well as his mirth.
Then the fat fellow from the beginning, the one Conan took the nose from, comes in with men looking for an escapee that sits next to Conan. He then decides to piss the guards off then turn himself in so he can get into the prison where fatty tortures people. I have a couple problems with this, the first being why the hell Conan turned himself in in the first place, when he could just follow them, do some actual sneaking- they DO mention the story of The Tower of the Elephant- so the man does know how to sneak around like a boss. Second, after he gets captured, every single man around him is chained to the wall, yet the GIANT barbarian in the room only has hand shackles on, and those are so damn long it could be a flail. I guess since he was compliant he was given leeway? Bullshit either way, even if he was next in line. Suffice to say, he breaks free, and tortures fatty for information concerning the man that killed his people. He then promptly takes the master key, sticks in it fatty's mouth, then washes it down with wine, takes him outside, and tells the slaves that the key to their freedom is in his belly. So yeah, pretty fucking cruel.
Apparently the one-eyed escapee from earlier is some famous thief, and he tells Conan that he can call upon him when needed before taking off.
Guess I should change this to a Part 1 type deal, because there's more movie and annoyance on its way, mainly in the form of a damn broad.
I live, I love, I slay, and I am content, Ishamael
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